The Limp

I am asked often about my plans for my music: have you been writing new songs?  Are you working on your next CD?  Are you trying to get on the radio?  Have you ever submitted your music to a famous singer?  Do you think you'll ever go on tour?  Do you have a lot of concerts coming up? 


Six years ago, when I began to record and perform my music, these questions confused me...and the possibilities excited me.  I have a whole journal full of entries in which I wrestled with these exact things.  But like Jacob, who literally wrestled with God and walked away with a permanent limp, I have climbed off the mat with wisdom and a certain kind of limp. 

Do you know what Jacob said before the wrestling match began? 

"I am not worthy of all the unfailing love and faithfulness you have shown to me, your servant." Gen. 32:10

This is a wise place to begin a wrestling match with God.  To know you're going to lose, but to recognize you've already won.   

I learned on the wrestling mat how to answer these curious questions.  Yes, I am always writing new songs.  God created me to receive holy stirrings and articulate them in the form of songs.  I can't think of a time since my early 20's when I haven't been crafting a song. 

Out of His storehouses, he has given me recording equipment and a talented, devoted husband/producer, so yes, I will record more CDs.  I don't worry about how many sell or take up space in my basement.  My greatest pleasure is giving them away when the Spirit moves.  I appreciate the people who are willing to pay for them so that I can put that money back into the ministry. 

When the questions turn to fame, touring, and promotion to bigger audiences, I confidently say no.  My time is better spent supporting my husband, investing in my children, and serving in my church and community.  These things produce lasting fruit.  Several times I have heard someone say, "I saw your CD for sale at someone's garage sale."  What a great reminder about things that pass away!  I always limp away from comments like that. 

Yet, I've also learned not to undervalue my contribution.  One of my songs underscored the last months of a dear child's life, as she went from hospital bed to the arms of Jesus listening repeatedly to "Would You Do This For Me."  Singing that song at her funeral was most heartwrenching.  

A two-hour concert of my music raised thousands of dollars for people in Haiti, leaving me mystified that God would use someone like me to rally a churchful of people to open their purses and share.   Again, I limp. 

I have a phrase inscribed across the wall above my piano that says, "Where words fail, music speaks."  I am thankful that God has given me opportunities to tell of His love through music, because the words alone do not come easily.  I stumble in conversations about God because they seem to fall short of His greatness without the full accompanyment.  They sound trite, like platitudes. I have friends whose anointed words flow freely, but as for me, I speak of God in "hymns and songs." 

And always the limp.