I Will Try Harder

My son is reading a heady book as part of his Starting Points Biblical Worldview curriculum: C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianty.  He's a little behind in his reading (and frustrated enough to snap a pencil in half!), so I offered to read a couple of chapters to him yesterday and help him complete his questions. 


What I didn't expect was to nearly cry in relief at the sage words of this great atheist turned-Christian philosopher.  Noah looked at me strangely as I read the words, then hugged the book to my heart and said, "Thank you, Lord."  I don't think it was an accident that it was Book III, Chapter 11, p. 109  that I read to my boy yesterday.  I believe it was God's provision for me, a tired, striving mother. 


You see, I have set loftly spiritual goals lately, and the more I grasp for them, the more they elude me. 

In December, I chose my three words for the 2012:  thrift, nurture, decrease (fasting.)  After two months, I'm painfully aware of how unthrifty I am, how many opportunities I neglect to nurture people in my life, and how quickly I can talk myself out of a fast.  I recall with a wince how enthusiastically I shared my three words and associated goals with a group of women in January.  I was inspired and trying to be inspiring.  Now it's halfway through February, and I am instead clinging to these words Lewis wrote many years ago....

"(We must) make some serious attempt to practice the spiritual virtues.  A week is not enough.  Things often go swimmingly for the first week.  Try six weeks.  By that time, having, as far as one can see, fallen back completely or even fallen lower than the point one began from, one will have discovered some truths about oneself.  No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good." (p. 109)

"All this trying leads up to the vital moment when you turn to God and say, 'You must do this.  I can't.'" (p. 113)

-C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

So I will not stop trying to be good.  I will pour myself out trying to be good...and this will lead to the truth, that I am a weakling who is personally bankrupt.  And then I will know that I know that I know why Jesus had to pay.