I can not believe it - I have waited my whole life to go to China and the time has finally come. It is the middle of the night as I look out the window of the plane and see the lights of Beijing below me. I'm home. How can a strange country I've never seen before feel like home?
Only God knows.
Only God puts a dream on a little girl's 7-year old heart... giving her a Chinese baby doll and with it, a dream to one day have her own real daughter from China.
Only God can make that dream grow stronger every day, every year.
Only God knows why we must wait so long for what is on our heart so strongly.
Only God can give me patience.
I'm home. At 21 years old, every last detail has been worked out and I'm about to spend a life-changing month of my life, working in a special-needs baby orphanage in China. I know it will be years until I'm eligible to adopt, but I can't stay away any longer. I am here to see the situation of orphans in this country with my own eyes and to better know how to pray for them.
Every moment of every day is filled with memories... memories that bring out of me nearly every emotion I know. Love, joy, deep sorrow, pain and hurt, laughter... even anger. I walk among the rows of cribs, praying over each precious, abandoned child that they hold. I change more diapers and feed more bottles than I have in a long time. I snuggle the babies tightly and try to understand this world we live in where such beautiful little ones are left in fields or train stations to either be rescued or die...
... Carissa...
...I've heard the name every morning as we pray over the children at the orphange. At 4 months old, this little girl has a heart condition and is in such critical condition that she hasn't even come to the orphanage yet. A staff member found her under a bridge a month ago, and she has been in the Beijing hospital ever since.
One day the orphanage director tells us with great sadness that the hospital has denied further treatment to Baby Carissa, saying she is too small and not worth saving. She will be arriving at the orphanage this afternoon. Since one baby has already died in the orphanage while I was there, the nannies are having a hard time and so one nurse offers to take Baby Carissa home with her. They've been told that Carissa will only live a few days, and the decision has been made to hold her and pray for her until she dies. Only ICU nurses are allowed to touch her.
Through a story only God could orchestrate, the baby ends up needing help, and as well all know... God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. Which I suppose is the only explanation why I am chosen as the one to spend an entire night with her.
I'm taken to a village 10 miles away, by myself, without a single English-speaking person with me, and it is communicated that I will be picked up at 7:00 the next morning. In America, I wouldn't think of taking this risk. But right now God is leading, and I am perfectly safe.
As I settle into the room designated for Baby Carissa in the nurse's small apartment, it is dark and quiet outside. The only noise in the room is the baby's strained breathing. I pick her tiny frame up and nearly cry. She is 4 months old and doesn't even weigh 7lbs. Her skin tone is grayish and I can feel every bone in her tiny body. But her eyes are bright, and her finger grips mine tightly. As the night wears on, I settle into the blankets with the baby on my chest and spend the rest of that precious night alternating oxygen tubes, heart monitors, bottles, diapers, praying, dozing, medicine, etc.
As I sit there, the words of a song that my sister's friend wrote float through my mind... Sit down, lean back/ we've got the corner of your mat/ We'll carry you when you are weak/ to the Healer's feet... let us lift you up so Christ can fill your cup/we are here at the corners... and again the words of another song by the same woman, Jill Pearson, There is a hope that has fed my soul/ in foreign lands and here at home/It has come in the form of an angel and a song/Many prayers, many verses it has carried me along/It brings a peace that surpasses understanding... I have a hope that can't be shaken/I have a joy that can't be taken...
It is the wedding anniversary of the nurse who is supposed to be watching Carissa tonight, and the only human reason I'm here is because she wanted to get away with her husband for the night. But God had a far greater purpose for me - a young lady from America who has dreamed nearly my whole life of holding these precious, nearly-forgotten little ones on the other side of the world in my own arms - to spend an entire night holding a dying little baby. Verses of comforting Scripture are printed in English near my Bible and all night long I pray these verses over Carissa. And over and over, all night long, the words to those soothing songs from back home run through my head. I've only heard the songs a couple times and I'm not entirely sure I have all the words right, but I feel surrounded by the peace that being in the center of God's will brings.
Morning finally comes, and for the last time I kiss Carissa's little face, release her finger from mine, and lay her in her basket. I return to the orphanage, tears streaming down my face as my teammates surround me with quiet love. The orphanage director later tells me that it is a complete miracle I was allowed to be in the same room with Carissa, much less hold her. The hospital where she stayed did not allow anyone to see or touch her, and only 2 other people have ever been allowed to hold her. After being rescued, she has spent her life on her back in a hospital crib, alone. And yet I just spent a whole night with her, her frail body pressed to my chest so I could feel her faint heartbeat.
"We'll carry you when you are weak to the Healer's feet."
Three weeks later when I was at home, I received an email saying that Baby Carissa had died of heart failure in the arms of the nurse. While my heart is broken, hers is now healed. I will forever be in awe of the gift that God gave me -- to be a small part of the life of this tiny treasure, tucked away in the mountains of China. Only a few people ever knew this little girl, but I was one of them. And while I grieve, someone reminded me that Baby Carissa lived a life of blessing that few of us ever do... so weak that she was wrapped in the palm of her Father's hand day and night, and bathed in prayer by partners who loved her all the time. God is good.
I learned the difference between happiness and joy while I was in China. My time spent there was precious, beautiful, and so much more than I ever imagined. Carissa's story changed my life, as did so many others while I was there. I prayed that God would break my heart over the things that break His, and I learned how He answers prayers. And yet there is a joy that can't be taken.
And the best part of Carissa's story?
She is no longer an orphan... she is finally home.
-Rebecca Ohnstad
Thank you so much for sharing this Jill! What an amazing young lady! And what an amazing blessing that God allowed your songs to bring comfort, peace and hope across the world. So cool!!!!
ReplyDeleteBest,
Jill Thompson