Lent: Homesick

I spent the more spiritual moments of yesterday, Ash Wednesday, thinking about Lent.  I taught my daughter how to solve for x in a story problem.  I thought about Lent.  I made Ruebens.  I thought about Lent.  I gave a curly-haired neighbor girl a piano lesson.  I thought about Lent.  

I searched in those moments for direction from God.  How now do I honor Thee in this long walk to the Cross that culminates on Easter.  How do I invite my kids on the journey?  Lent is not something my church corporately recognizes, so this is a private meditation.  One that I've come to cherish in recent years.  

This morning, I woke with an answer.  One word a day.  A brief meditation on a single word.  

Homesick.  

My closest-person-to-a-sister went home to be with Jesus a week ago Sunday.  Her devotion and worship was described by her husband at the funeral as "white hot" and with every song we sang, we knew she was singing for real. Hotter than ever. In His presence.  It made me homesick.

I think I am plagued with homesickness most of the time because I cannot worship God like I want to.  I cannot be fully devoted because of sin and selfishness.  I can too easily forget all His benefits.  Any determination I have one day to do better, pray harder, study deeper, love more fully, is quickly ashes in the wind.  

It's all that regret and frustration and disappointment and confusion that become the virtual cross of ashes on my forehead.  

But this I believe:  Jesus understands the grand maze of my interior.  He gave me free will to do as I please.  He gave me sensitivity to refrain from always doing as I please.  He designed me with an emotional space for homesickness.  And as I walk this road to Golgotha over the next 40 days, he will whisper, "Home is here with me."  

For he (Abraham) was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God. - Hebrews 11:10

William Blake, God as Architect, 1794