My friends and family heard me call it a mid-life crisis. I described it as being a tangled thread with no notion of how to tend the knot. I wrote a morose song about it that no one needs to hear.
It was a summer of juxtaposition for me. I had two wonderful vacations in the most rugged of God's landscapes...to a remote island on a glorious lake in Canada, and to the open-air cathedral of the Rocky Mountains in Colorado.
So much rock and water and beauty this summer. God was near in my encounters with nature.
He sent me symbols of reassurance: a dragonfly molting to its final, winged phase of life...an ancient symbol of maturity and depth of character; and a geode...nothing outwardly beautiful, but a treasure of gleaming surprises within.
I had clarity on my vacations, but each time I returned home, I felt that familiar knot of discontent and ambivalence. I read books about others feeling similar angst. Guess what...they were 40-something.
Do you know what was more meaningful than dragonflies and geodes and a sweet, patient husband? This (abridged) email:
Late one night last week, thoughts were coming to me about ideas I should send to you in an email...
Here's my prayer for you from Isaiah 41:9-10,
"'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Praying for you,
Gwen
I wrote the scripture on a notecard, and each time I read it, I feel God speaking into my internal snarl. You see, a consequence of this struggle is that I've barely cracked open my Bible this summer. I was even in a Bible study in June and managed to avoid reading the Word. There is a wall built up, so I have been looking for human wisdom in biographies and novels. They are thought-provoking, but ultimately lacking.
God managed to circumvent my belligerent attitude by quickening the spirit of a faithful woman, who obeyed the prompting to relay His message. The wall is crumbling, because I know He is strengthening me and helping me, and calling me back. He's told me so.
Let's take the time to do this for each other. It's how we build each other up and break down strongholds. Be God's voice into a woman's life.
I was out wogging this beautiful morning. I used to be a runner. Four miles a day. That was the month before my 20th class reunion. I've taken extended, intermittent breaks from the concrete and treadmill. I'm trying to get back into the routine. When I'm outdoors, I'm a wogger. Walk the hills, jog the rest. Oh, somewhere in there I gained back the 15 pounds I had dropped when I was a runner. Funny how that works. I need another reunion on the horizon!
Wogging outdoors can be a highly creative time for me. I've composed songs and come up with all kinds of homeschooling ideas while burning calories. Today, I was talking to God about the upcoming school year, which begins on Monday at Riverwood Academy, when I looked at a neighbor's mailbox and saw the number 1111. I hadn't noticed it before. I love that number. I don't know why, but I often see it on clocks or on the treadmill and it makes me smile and think of God. Like He's winking at me.
My idea came just after 1111. I was thinking about some of the unproductive habits we've formed in the lazier hours of the summer and how we need to focus on developing or rediscovering good habits. So here's my idea:
- During our family meeting on Sunday, we'll brainstorm words that begin with the letters in HABITS. Health, Attitude, Benevolence, Inspiration, Training, Service, perhaps. I want the whole family to pitch out ideas.
- Once we settle on a word to represent each letter, we will take some time the next week to find Bible verses that correspond, and they will become our memory verses for the first part of the school year. I am planning to use this wonderful notecard review system this year.
- We'll talk about how to apply each concept as issues arise.
- I will buy big wooden or cardboard letters spelling "Habits" at Hobby Lobby and spray paint them silver. We'll write the chosen word on each letter along with the verse reference. Then I will hang them in our living room. Giant letters are so trendy right now, anyway. This will serve as a daily reminder of what we are striving for. When we stop noticing them, I'll spray paint them blaze orange. Ha! I found this example on Pinterest:
I'll post the final project when we're done. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy the last 4 days of my loosy-goosy, messy, lazy, sugary summer.
Godspeed to my fellow homeschoolers.
I try to tell people that healing came on our trip to a remote island in Canada, but I don't expect them to understand. Who really comprehends another's interior life?
One morning, on a quiet bench at the scenic point of the island, I tried to capture it.
Island on a Northern Lake
July, 2012
The granite stone
mossed green and messed
with fragrant pine
invites the step of the pilgrimer
who comes in search of nature's time
slower, more divine
Sky is everywhere
above with billowed cloud
and caught in mirrored lake
and for the sake of
tired souls
extends its healing grace
its wild, full embrace
The poet finds her words again
among the timber tall
and crying gull
then lays her pen aside
to join the children's chilly dive
breathlessly alive
The silent slip of sleek kayak
dripping oar on glassy lake
leaves behind the clenching world
rippling out
in gentle wake
And, then, the moon full bright
rising over stand of pines and stony cliff
Signalling shift toward gathering night
and northern dreams
and inner light
